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In the wake of the Iowa caucus results, each of the Presidential candidates has begun to re-valuate his campaign strategy. We've obtained leaked strategy files from each of the camps detailing their new campaign promises, intended to be unveiled prior to Super Tuesday.

John Edwards promises that manicures will be covered under his national health care proposal, and that capitalists will not.

Barack Obama promises to support global warming... of our hearts.

Mitt Romney promises a low, low, low down payment and easy financing.

Hillary Rodham Clinton promises to let her mustache grow, to end food aid to the Ukraine, and to make a state visit to Poland. She also encourages her political rivals to consider vacationing in Mexico City.

Rudy Giuliani promises to make the trains run on time, and to not invade Greece without really, really thinking it over.

Mike Huckabee promises to fight global warming so the earth can live another 6000 years.

John McCain promises to introduce legislation requiring the quartering of soldiers in private homes, the one part of his ten-point legislative agenda that he has been unable to complete during his Senatorial career.

Fred Thompson promises that whatever it is the people want, he'll get around to it.

Duncan Hunter promises to stop bothering us, any day now.

We were unable to obtain documents from the Ron Paul campaign, but when asked to enumerate his new promises, he answered only "No".


And that, folks, is about the full extent of what I care to say about the upcoming farce.


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